Is the 'Real Love' comes to your door once?















I wanted to take a break from exploring myself years and write about the love story of my life. During my teenager years we were three best buddies were discussing love. We were trying to answer these two questions;

'Is Love at first sight possible?'
'Is there only one real love in your life?'

After around 15 years I am still not sure. Love makes me confused; it is very hard to say I love you these days but it should not. After my Lone Star disaster I had another relation which survived 10 months. At that moment I was so close to loose my faith in real love. I was lost; I was confused and Heart Broken.

I went back home and feeling really depressed trying to find a way out but I was not believing that I can find someone so close to my home,even in my hometown.

One night I receive a phone call it was only after a month I was back home. A Bear Group was inviting me to a gathering in my hometown. I said why not and went to the pub.

That night I also experience one of my most emberassing moment of my life. I went to the pub and not sure what was I thinking I went straight to a table which looked like a table of Bears!

Hello
They said Hello
I said ' Are you expecting anyone' and that moment all the guys looked at me like a freak that was a wrong table...

I was so emberrased I left the pub and called the phone number I was given as a contact and I start watching all the tables whose phone was ringing and then someone start to look for his mobile in his backpack. That is my future hubby....

I went to the table told my emberrasing story and after that we decided to go to another pub in the city by taxi. 5 people but 4 seats. So my hubby shared the seat with me that physical touch changed everything it was end of August 2001. It will be 5 years in 2 months; and I know it is Love it goes stronger and sweeter every passing day...

Finally summer in South Wales. Well no offense I am used to non-stop sunshine between April till November back home so it was not easy to get used to the climate in U.K. for a long time. In the beginning the weather channel was like a bad joke then I started to not to watch it.

Last day of june and it is now summer officially I suppose. I talked to some local people at the hotel for some information about the coast and the sea water temperature. They said till mid July it is too cold to swim but I will try to go to Mumbles area near Swansea on my days off next week and let's see if I have the balls to go for a swim.

I am living in Wales for more than 18 months and I better start to travel around a little before I move to London to live with hubby.

Let's see if I can make it next week for a wee visit to South West Wales and coast area of Swansea...

After a long wait at least it felt really long to me here I was in a car with a stranger going to his house to spend the night together which was giving me stomach pain but in a strangely good way this was something I wanted to try and decide who I am what I really want and here is the chance given to me.

After a trip on the top of the clouds passing the bridge and going to Bay Oakland CA we arrived to his house full of cat fur but tidy and nice. A little chat and a shower leads to bed to explore my hided side.

In the end I was so shy and nervous I am not sure what was I doing but I was enjoying myself. Next day he made a great breakfast and we drove back to the city he called sick and come with me to my hostel to pick up my stuff. We decided to spend mre days together...

That week was like a brief marriage; we had everything bad sex good sex fight love hand to hand dinner and walking around streets but in the end I felt so bad to leave the city and to be away from him. As a romantic idiot I was trying to belong someone & somewhere but I was not thinking if it was the right one.

After I come back home and join the military for a month which was a must on the phone he told me to not to call him again which made me creative as I was never. I wrote letters never sent I wrote songs poems and diary.

Not sure if the first step always the pain step but mine was full of tears and depressing nights with my pillow on my face screaming loud and quiet in a way.

From time to time I wonder if we meet again how he reacts and what would I tell him...

A.L.S Years... After Lone Star

Arriving to Lone Star Bar in San Francisco made something strange to my life something good i suppose something real, like a good slap on my face.

It was afternoon I went inside very shy and nervous; luckily the bartender was friendly to make me feel comfortable. He draw me a map of what to see in the city and told me which hours is better to be at Lone Star.He also gave me the best coffee I ever had in a bar like that. He said it is 'South Park' night tonight. It was an unmissable offer I would not miss Cartman in Lone Star.

That was weird enough to come and see anyways I did not know anyone in the city and did not know anywhere other than my cheap hostel, Bear Shop and The Lone Star.

After hours of walking around the city it was time to change and go for an experience. I tried to look as smart as I can and I found my way back to Lone Star. It was a nice crowd and seriously South Park was on TV. Like a movie moment someone came inside I was sitting at the bar turned my head and that was it... a sweet man walked in make my heart beat in a marathon rhytm.

As a shy person and who was trying to find himself the real himself it seemed impossible to go and talk to the guy.He was late 40's with a leather jacket and a warm smile.

I decided to choose the easy way and drink some beer fast to relax; after a couple of beers finally I said what could I loose and went next to him and said

Hi...

Sweet man was sweeter than I thought he started to talk right away ; his name is Mathieu and he make me feel so relaxed and peaceful as I never feel before and this happened in a very short period. All of a sudden we found ourselves spending the night together for a closet virgin it was a big big step.

He told me that he is with his bike and need to go home to pick his car up for a safe journey I said sure why not but as soon as he leaves I start to feel very odd I was thinking if he would not come back again. Legs shaking and my heart wanted to write how i feel on paper napkins after 4 paper napkins full I could not wait more and decided to go outside and wait.

5 mintutes of foggy cold around midnight I saw him around the corner waving with a killer smile.

I need a break to remember the details of that night which was before 6 years feels like 16 years...

It is always depressing to come back after a nice holiday. Today was my 4th day back and I am still in pain. Maybe it is because I am not happy with my job or maybe I am disappointed with myself cause I am so far away from my plans & dreams but this photo is something to put a nice smile on my face my favourite town my hometown Cesme on the west coast of Turkey I am at my favourite local sandwich shop and I look happy.

Seriously this is my happy look...

Well after months of reading friends' blogs finally decided to try to create one for myself and keep updated my friends away from me also not a bad way as a diary to read later to see how i was thinking those days. Getting older here I was trying to get used to 20's and I end up going for 34 in a month July 27 2006...

Here we go a brief summary of my life ....

A hot summer day 27th of July 1972 as a very chubby baby in Izmir nice friendly town on the west coast of Turkey. I wish I could remember early days but my memory was never a great one so I remember early elementary school days which was very peaceful. I was a shy & quiet kid for a long time. Even during my teenage years I was always defensive and nervous while I was socializing or trying to socialize I should say.

I was always keeping a distance cause there was something inside my brain making me uncomfortable. I was always acting and was trying to be someone else when I was not alone. It took 27 years of my life to be myself and it was painful and annoying living as someone else which I was not.

Finally after a challenging period in Florida during my internship after university I had the chance to find the real me in San Francisco during one week holiday...

I took a bus from SFO to my hotel downtown San Francisco and see the shop ' BEAR ' I tried hard to memorize the streets we are passing; after I checked in I walked back through the same route and found the shop. I strangely felt like home in this little Bear Shop and luckily see an ad of Lone Star which will make me take a turn to my real life June 2000.

Even to me that sounds seriously strange to find yourself in a bar which is 16 hours away from your real home but it happened and it felt really good.

On my other posts if you will be interested I will tell after Lone Star and will reach present time soon.

Fii...